What happens when you decide the expat life is not working out? You’ve changed your mind. Fallen out of love with Germany. Mentally checked out, bags are packed and you’re on that plane home. This was the reality for me towards the end of the year. Mic drop. Bear with me, there’s a useful lesson in here for anyone feeling that expat life is no longer for them.

At the weekend I reflected on those past months of difficulty and want to share how to pull yourself out of that black hole should you find yourself there. It would be very easy to give up and move back home. I say easy but arranging Umzug Männer and shipping containers would not be so easy. After two years of living in Bremen, I have overcome many blips along the way. So being the stubborn creature that I am I wasn’t going to give up easily. However it did mean I needed to take action to change the way I felt. Everyone is different but this is how I dealt with it.

Welcome to Bremen. PHOTO: Sarah E

Expats will talk openly about the difficulties of moving abroad, the culture shock, trying to fit in, building a new circle of friends, navigating the Straßenbahnnetz. All of which come with added difficulty if you’re not fluent in German. I find there seems to be some expectation that after six months to a  year all these matters will be settled and your life as an expat should be rosy. Often and luckily for many expats this is the case, people get in to the swing of things and never look back. However, it can change even after a couple of years in, the positive feelings towards expat life can sink and the daily dread can set in.

From my experience, there was nothing spectacular that happened, rather it was a build up of things that contributed to the sinking feeling. I was frustrated with not being about to communicate well. It really holds you back from all situations, from having a polite chat with die Verkäuferin to being able to explain to der Techniker that there is a problem with the boiler. My relationship with learning German is a fractious one. Up until March of this year I haven’t had a formal lesson since April 2017. I convinced myself that I could get by with what I know. I had stopped taking lessons as my workload was immense. I was frequently travelling between Bremen and the UK so couldn’t keep a regular schedule, and on top of that I was trying to maintain a household and make new friends. Summer evenings spent in the classroom are not conducive to making friends, accepting invites for BBQs on the banks of the River Weser are. I now know that there is a difference between getting by and thriving and to truly integrate you need to embrace the language and that’s what I will be working on. The language lessons are now back on once a week regardless of travel or workload.

I work remotely from home which means there’s a lack of office banter and impromptu suggestions of a swift after work drink. Socialising is something you need to continuously work at when living abroad, especially if you don’t have colleagues to rely on. I recently read about Girl Gone International’s (a community for young women living and working abroad) founder,  who didn’t feel a sense of belonging or have a social and support network until after two years of living in Hamburg (phew, not just me). Anne Scott, the founder, took proactive steps to build her network so with this lesson in mind I’m making a concerted effort to meet up with other expats and locals once a week. You can’t put a price on the memories you create during your time as an expat. They’ll be the stories you share when you return home and recount to your future children.

It’s very easy to feel disappointed that you are missing out on meet ups with friends and family that are many miles away back at home. However, the times I’ve had in Bremen I would not have had if not for being a resident in Deutschland. I wouldn’t have attended an international dinner and tried traditional food made by Hungarians also living here or taken part in a Kohlfahrt or cheered on Werder Bremen alongside thousands of other local fans. Rather than focusing on the people I don’t get to see frequently or the gatherings in the UK I can’t attend, I’m recounting and looking forward to all the new adventures that will come my way whilst living here. I’ve even started a bucket list of things I want to do before we leave.

When you’re feeling tired of the expat way, it’s easy to reminisce about all the things Germany doesn’t have that you would have if you were still living back home. One of the best things about living in Germany is experiencing their culture; traditions, celebrations, festivals. So many new experiences to take part in, Schlage songs to listen to and variety of different foods to taste. All of these are easy things that can pass you by as you settle in to a daily routine of eat, sleep, work, repeat. I’m now using one of my hobbies, cooking, to help fall back in love with living abroad and each week whipping up some German food – I heart Kaiserschmarrn. A small step but it all counts.

Keeping up appearances was part of my downfall too, how terribly British of me. 99% of the time when attending social events with my partner and his colleagues I would be asked how living in Bremen was working out. Yes, even now after two years I get asked this. Knowing it would come up in conversation I would practice the answer in advance so I could respond with positively. In reality, I wanted to give people a very frank answer that I wanted to leave, I was tempted but I had to be careful to avoid casting any suspicions that their colleague might be forced to leave their role and return to the UK at the request of their partner. Lately I have started to be more open about how I feel and you know what, honesty breeds honesty. Others have opened up and admitted to missing home or have uncertainty about their future life as an expat. This has resulted in building greater relationships with people as I don’t need to present a facade and can be myself.

Even though we are far from putting our Germany exit plan in to motion, the thought of leaving the expat life behind is quite a sad thought. I guess it takes the difficult times to celebrate all the great things that come with living in a different country. In future, young Brits like myself may not be able to live and work in Germany easily so I’m grateful for the opportunity I have been afforded. If you’re an expat that’s fallen out of love with the country, you won’t be the first or the last person to experience this, recognise you’re not alone and you can turn things around.

– Sarah E